So summer is upon us, opening parties have started and it’s that time of year you scroll up and down your news feed wishing you were on a glorious beach instead of at your poxy desk.If you don’t fantasise about being in Ibiza 90% of the time this summer are you even human?
Arguably one of the most spiritual places on earth- there’s something about the carefree pull of this island that keeps bringing us back. Here’s our lowdown on the best things to do if your an Ibiza virgin and lucky enough to make a trip to the White Isle this season…
Let us start this off by saying RIP to one of the best clubs on earth: Space, and sadly the residency of the tech genius that is Carl Cox. Don’t worry though- you can still catch him at super club Privilege instead this year. O yes, O yes! The most anticipated event in the Ibizan calendar this year kicks off on 11 July. Be there- or, well…be at your desk. Also if you like to dress up all fancy go to Zoo Project. The majority of animals your gunna get to see are the human looking ones beached up along the club’s pool area that can’t move. You party in an abandoned zoo dressed as something from the zoo. Whoever thought of this, well done! If you go be sure to give the seal pit a try; one year a rumour has it Brad Pitt was standing near the decks in disguise giving it some.
So yeah avoid San An sand at all costs unless you want to be robbed by one of those old guys with a metal detector or want someone selling you a club ticket every five mins. Actually most of the popular beaches are like that now. Bora Bora has been infested with touts and Spanish gypsies but its still a decent day party. Sundays at Bora with a jug of sangria while planes skim past your head is a definite one for your list. If you want somewhere a bit quieter but still lively why not try a Rasta shot on Playa Pinet -also known as Reggae Reggae beach. Donned with Jamaican flags and music it will break up your monotonous techy existence a bit.
Now we’ve covered where to find the best beaches, we need to cover where you can observe the best bitches that Ibiza has to offer. This is simple. Two words: Ocean club. Yes it is a kinda cliche of Dom Perignon bell-ends splashing their lemonade money, but, if you want to see people actually make an effort and wear a full face of slap and a curly blow in the day then go here. The girls go all out glam and save their best bikini for here dontcha’ know. Not that you’ll be all that arsed when it’s on your apartment floor.
The White Island is the ultimate land of love, and many people have been known to fall head over heels during a brief romance. BUT if your feeling really desperate; the back alleys of San An behold a more interestingly diverse catalogue of booty which can be explored for €10 and a bag of green. Watch yer wallet though and don’t be a victim!!
Ibiza has many little hidden secrets! One of the most notorious is Ket Kove. (click the link to see!) In peak season party goers stumble off the dark twists and turns of the San An strip and somehow end up on this scatty little cove and party til the sun comes up.
Nothing beats that feeling of watching the sun gradually come up with you on your private little beach surrounded by your mates (and a few adopted ones)…waves lapping up on your feet as some scouser with a boom box plays man with the red face for the tenth time. Beware though – the Ibithan police often raid it on their mopeds. As long as you can run up 100m of stone fucked you might escape a black eye! Oh and if you’ve ever managed to time it right and actually go to a “Sparty” well done!
So on the rare Occasion you can actually eat in Ibiza, I highly recommend Dunes along Playa Den Bossa strip. Their nachos are the one. If your stomach isn’t the size of a walnut then theres also a place called Skinny Kitchen that does posh good for you grub. Eat clean, rave dirty. Not that anyone needs to watch their weight in Ibiza as most people come back having lost around 4 stone. All that dancing ey… also there’s a place in San An called The Social that does a proper cheap fry up next door to Ibiza Rocks Hotel; perfect if you’ve spent all your money on €26 club drinks! FYI Ibiza Rocks have got an amazing line up of artists this year; you really need to go one of the Elrow pool parties they’re hosting…
So your heads battered, you’ve been on it for three days straight and your considering calling your mum. Don’t be a pussy and try and stick it out yeah? But if your really in need of a “quiet night” head on down to Mambo’s and Cafe Del Mar in San Antonio and watch the sunset to Ibiza classics. It’s one of the most beautiful sights and atmospheres Ibiza has to offer. If you actually want a seat and food be sure to book a table or yer probably not gettin’ in! Alternitively hire a boat and go watch it out at sea.
Mambo’s usually has a big DJ on early doors for their pre-party which is decent cos you don’t have to pay €50 to see them. Bob Sinclair has been known to rock up in his little comedy car clad with babes. A few come down cocktails here you’ll be feeling all spiritual again in no time. A line up of this seasons DJ’s at Mambo’s can be found HERE
So if reading this has made you all giddy book those flights at once and leave the world behind ya. But remember…party hard, party safe and never venture down the back alleys of San An alone!!!