Words by: Andy Chapman
We need to talk about Australia. Cases of mild pain complaints are on the rise. Shops across the country are running low on Doritos.
As of Sunday 30th October 2016 medicinal marijuana was legalised in Australia. If the population weren’t suddenly so sleepy they would still be celebrating the news today.
Below is a written dramatization of an average visit to the doctor’s office post October 30th.
On entering the doctor’s office a thick cloud of white smoke bellows out and engulfs you. You wander in, hands held out in front of you, feeling your way to the desk. You nearly trip on a sleeping girl in a hemp dress.
You step carefully around her. You get to the desk and a receptionist with bloodshot eyes leans forward. Her face is revealed to you like a mask floating up through murky water.
“Can I help?” she asks.
“I hurt my foot a bit and was told you could help me with the pain?”
The receptionist coughs.
“Yeah, I think we can help with that. The doctor is just through that door.”
You nod and make your way to the doctor’s office. “Hey, my foot hurts,” you say, letting yourself in.
You hear a bubbling sound coming from a leather swivel chair that is facing away from you.
“Your foot? Man, you won’t even remember you have a foot after this. Let me write you a prescription.”
The Doctor tries to swivel around for a dramatic reveal but gets stuck half way and begins to giggle uncontrollable. Eventually he manages to calm down and writes you a prescription for medicinal marijuana.
The rest of your life passes harmoniously and without stress.
The Uses of Medical Mary J
Medicinal marijuana is mostly used to help with chronic pain, and is shown to help, alongside chemotherapy, with cancer.
The Narcotic Drugs Amendment Act 2016, to give it its proper title, is decriminalising sick hungry people. And for that we applaud you, Australia.
For a final note on the subject, a source who has some experience with medicinal marijuana had this to say, “Um, do you have any cookies? I’m kinda hungry, man.”